How To Get Fat

When my doc kindly said to me two months ago, "Kari, please cut out ALL carbohydrates in your diet. Thank you,"  I walked away with jaw-dropping certainty that I was going to fail... like instantly.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I immediately started craving Little Debbie fancy cakes, which is what tends to happen when I get stressed.  Which is also what got me into this mess in the first place.  

Before I begin, I'd like to share with you a brief history of me and diets over the past 10 years or so.  I've tried them all, and they have all failed.  Miserably.  Never have I been able to stick to a diet (or workout routine) that has successfully worked in kicking those extra pounds to the curb and leaving them there for good.  Seriously... mention a diet to me and I promise you I have tried it.  I even tried being a Vegetarian.  Guess how long that lasted?  Two days.  

So, as I walked out of that doctor's visit I was pretty clueless as to how I was going to succeed in this adventure.  And then I realized that the best place to start would be to identify all my bad habits.  I figured if I took all these bad habits and started doing the exact opposite of them, I was bound to succeed, right?  Unfortunately, I tend to be a little blind when it comes to my bad eating habits, so I had to ask the one person who knows me best to help identify these habits - my husband.  Which he was more than happy to do considering some of these habits have been driving him crazy for years!!  

So, here are all the ways in which you can (and some of us did!) get fat:  

1. Never exercise.  Especially if you have a job where you sit at a desk for 8 hours each day.  This will ensure that you never lose that lovely 'spare tire' around your midsection that you constantly complain about.  
2. Never eat your veggies.  Vegetables are jam-packed with essential vitamins and minerals your body needs in order to work properly.  Plus they give you a great (and natural!) energy boost.  But why go to all the trouble of peeling a carrot when you can chug a Mountain Dew and have all the energy you need for the next 30 minutes?!  Which brings me to my next point...
3. Drink lots of calorie-filled beverages instead of water.  This is one of the best ways to ensure you'll surpass your targeted daily calorie intake each and every day.  Plus, think of all the extra weight your hanging on to because you can't produce a decent bm?  (Ew, gross.  I know.)  
4. Eat really late at night.  This one drove my hubby crazy.
5. Eat as much pasta and candy as you wish!  (This is my biggest downfall right here.)  Nothing gets you fuller quicker than a giant plate of spaghetti, but since it takes your brain at least 10 minutes to register that your stomach is full, you will have totally accomplished eating at least twice as much as you should have.  

Well, I hope you've enjoyed my tutorial on how to get fat and stay that way!!  Please don't take my advice (and previous behaviors) and get your booty up and moving!  :)  I'm so glad I did!